There Is No Such Place
by My American Fictionary
Summary: AU, Naoe x Kagetora 1571: Considered too precious by his adoptive father to be harmed in battle, eighteen-year-old Uesugi Kagetora incognito joins a unit of Kenshin’s army led by one Naoe Nobutsuna. Alternating POVs.
1. One

**Disclaimer: **Kuwabara Mizuna owns them, not I. Now I'm all depressed...

**Author's Note:** This is an Alternate Universe. In vol. 20 of Mirage of Blaze the author states that Kagetora and Naoe never as much as spoke to each other during their first lives. So my story basically is a What-if-they-had?

And since it's mine, it's sweet and romantic and probably full of stupid clichés that I'm too stubborn to eliminate! But here you go.

**Warnings: **none, so far. On the contrary, Naoe and Kagetora are closer in age here than they are in the anime. Kagetora is 18 and Naoe 24. The M-rating is for later chapters ;-)

-

**There Is No Such Place**

**One**

"Naoe Nobutsuna-dono?"

My eyes narrowed at being addressed like this from a mere messenger. Instead of answering at one I gave the one who had spoken to me a quick once-over. He was wearing the modest armor of a common soldier. There were no insignia of rank or birth to be seen anywhere. His face was hidden by a helmet that he obviously didn't feel inclined to take off. He hadn't introduced himself, either. Instead he had asked for me to affirm my identity. He hadn't even undertaken the trouble of dismounting his horse!

"I am," I finally said after a pause long enough to get the impertinence of how he was carrying himself across.

At that answer he gracefully sprang from the saddle, bowed and extended a tiny scroll to me. Seriously, what were they teaching today's youth about the proper attitude towards superiors? From up close I realized that I was indeed dealing with a very young one. His eyes were at the level of my chin. They were fearless and curious and all that was visible of his face.

"Uesugi Kagetora sent you this," he informed me.

Irritably, I turned my attention toward the scroll which as I saw now indeed bore the Uesugi family crest. I frowned. Of course, I knew of the youngest son of Hōjō Ujiyasu who had been given to our Lord Uesugi Kenshin as a hostage in the wake of the peace settlement between the two clans. Also, I was aware of Hōjō Ujihide formally having become Kenshin-kō's son by adoption. But although Kagetora – as Kenshin-kō had named him – had been living with the Uesugi for over a year now, I had yet to meet him in person. Despite our peace contract with the Hōjō, we had been at war constantly during the last years. It wasn't unusual for my father Sanetsuna and myself not to see our home of Echigo for several months in a row.

It was however unusual for us to take over the job scouts on enemy territory. Several of my men had complained that this was a task hardly worthy of samurai, but I was having none of it. We were to serve Kenshin-kou however he saw fit. If he wanted us to observe Oda territory and otherwise lie low, that was what we would do. I knew he had his reasons. Even if it bugged me beyond belief to keep out of the battles which were being fought a day's ride from where we were staying.

But now there was this note: short, firm and professional. Kagetora informed me in an unadorned handwriting that certain steps were to be undertaken to secure the right flank of Kenshin-kō's army which was marching against Oda. He further let me know that the one who had brought me this letter knew the rest.

Still lost in contemplation of this note and what on earth Kenshin-kō's adopted son could be thinking to send a message this cryptic and entrust it to this rude youth, I heard a sharp and quickly stifled gasp from one of my men behind me. I looked up to see that the messenger had taken off his helmet. For a moment I forgot what I had wanted to say.

The face revealed belonged to a lad clearly under twenty – oval, with high cheekbones and a slender nose. The skin was so light and unblemished that it seemed to glow in the dim light of the forest. His almond-shaped eyes under the strong, black brows were dark and pensive.

"Kagetora-dono sent a single man with a mission this crucial?" I asked when I found my voice again.

"He chose to since it is easier for a single person to go unnoticed," the boy replied calmly. If he was aware of his effect on us, he didn't show it. "And what he wants to be done doesn't require a lot of manpower so he decided that a small unit like yours would suffice."

"It wasn't possible for him to oversee the mission himself?"

The boy shrugged. "Kagetora was ordered by Kenshin-kō to stay at Echigo for the time being, but understandably he still wishes to be of help. He sent me because he trusts me to explain the necessary to you."

"You are welcome to. Apart from that, I really don't think it's appropriate for you to speak of him in such a disrespectful manner."

He blinked. "Whatever do you mean?"

"Did no one ever teach you to use an honorific when you're talking about your lord?" I scolded.

He was silent for a moment. "I assure you, I didn't mean disrespect by that. He and I go way back, that's all. We're the same age and grew up together at his brother's court in Odawara. Actually," a brief smile enlightened his features, "no one could have more interest in Kagetora-dono getting the respect he deserves than I do."

I shook my head, trying to convince myself that I wasn't indulging him because of the radiance of this unexpected smile. "Do you have a name, too, messenger?"

"Certainly," he said in a tone that implied his considering me to be a bit on the slow side. "It's Saburō."

-

So far the evening had turned out to be quite interesting. After being out in the field for months without as much as a minor diversion, I found myself unable to state which fascinated me most: suddenly being called on by Kenshin-kō's adoptive son, the prospect of being able to contribute to the victory – or the unusual deliverer of the message.

I wasn't sure I liked his being here, though. I noticed how the eyes of several of my men were glued to him. They hadn't seen, far less had a woman in a number of months now, and it worried me a bit. I could perfectly do without them savaging the boy or fighting each other for his graces, thank you very much.

But in all honesty, I couldn't blame them – I could hardly avert my gaze from the slender figure with the translucent skin walking next to me either. It was quite courageous of Saburo to come here all alone. He didn't seem the overly obedient type, so I concluded he must have come out of devotion for his lord. I decided to keep him as close to me as possible to avoid any unpleasant incidents.

My father looked up from cleaning his sword when we entered his tent.

"Father," I said after we had bowed to him, "we've received word from Echigo." I handed him Kagetora-dono's letter which he read intently.

Nodding, he looked at Saburō. "What is your name?"

I had to bite back a laugh when I saw how my father's eyes, too, hang on Saburō for just a second too long. Again, the boy didn't indicate that he had noticed the attention. _No,_ I thought to myself, _this kind of bravado cannot be real. He noticed. He's just too clever to reveal any insecurities. _

Saburō introduced himself again and at my father's hint explained his lord's plans to us in great detail and with an eagerness as if he had thought them up himself. What he had to say was impressive – revealing the kind of intelligence that makes you think when confronted with it: why the heck didn't I think of that? – but still, I found myself drawn to the gestures of his hands and the quick, lightning-like flashes of his eyes that

When he had finished, my father smiled. "It seems Kenshin-kō adopted a military genius."

Saburō's face lit up.

My father was turning the letter around in his hands. "His tactical skills could be of great use to our armies. Maybe Kenshin-kō will reconsider leaving him at home next time."

"I daresay it is what my lord hopes for," Saburō answered lithely.

"It was a wise move of his to lay matters into your hands." My father shook his head. "I wish I had servants that always understand so clearly what I'm trying to tell them."

A fine smile tugged at Saburō's lips but he said nothing.

-

After announcing to my men that we were heading for the borderland first thing tomorrow, I fetched something to eat for myself and Saburō and showed him the place where he would sleep. He had wisely kept himself in the background when I had addressed my officers. Following me around the small camp, he gave the perfect picture of an obedient

I felt like teasing him a bit. "You are one of Kagetora-dono's servants, then?"

The youth hesitated almost unnoticeably. "Yes."

I fought to keep my mien straight. "Then you can answer me a question that has been occupying me for quite some time."

"…Yes?"

"Is he indeed as handsome as everyone says?"

Saburō froze, something akin to anger flickered across his face. "I suppose he is not completely unfortunate-looking," he bit out.

What a thing to say about one's lord! I suppressed a laugh. Secretly, I thought his reaction intriguing. Not only did he reveal the true strength of his temper for the split of a second but also it implied that this kind of topic made him uncomfortable. Maybe he even harbored a bit of jealousy for his young lord who allegedly possessed the beauty to stop people dead in their tracks. I tried to imagine what it must have meant for Saburō to grow up with Kagetora and hear this kind of sentiment time and again. Considering Saburō's own appearance, it seemed a superfluous but strangely endearing emotion to be envious of somebody else's looks or the attemtion they brought him.

It made the elfin creature by my side more human. So did his ability to let himself be taunted.

_What's the matter, _I thought to myself as we settled down for the night. I had encountered beautiful people before. Even if none of them had had a face that could make you believe in love at first sight. But there was something else about this boy, something really intriguing – a will-force as cold and unfaltering as sword-steel.

Oh, he hid it quite well and the better for him as it was absolutely intolerable in a peasant's son turned servant. However, I easily recognized this trait in others because I, too, possessed it. And just like Saburō, I had learned to hide it from my superiors with the result that it had never been measured against somebody else's.

_Until today,_ I thought, looking over to where I knew Saburō was sleeping.

Here was my challenge now.

-

**Author's Note:** This is about 6 chapters long which have been outlined already. I hope I can update it every few days which shouldn't be too difficult since it's the time of summer holidays and I've got practically nothing else to do.


	2. Two

**Author's Note: **Here we go with part two. Thank you all very very much for the feedback and the favs!! It's so nice to know that someone's reading this and likes it :-) And since that makes me so happy, this chapter is longer than the last one.

**Warnings:** there's mention of rape in this chapter.

**-**

**Two**

Waking Saburō up in the morning was not exactly an easy exercise. He slept through the wake-up call without any difficulty, curled up on his side. His hair had come lose from the ponytail he had tied it into and fell around his face in silky black strands. Calling his name didn't rouse him from his slumber, either. Only when I shook his shoulder, he lifted his head and for a moment met my eyes completely unguarded before he closed off his expression again.

I felt my thoughts from the previous night vanish. However unapproachable he might seem most of the time he was still a child. Quite a few people made use of pretension in order to hide their vulnerability, even though I had never seen this kind of behavior displayed by a servant.

"We're leaving," I said.

Well before daybreak, we were on our way. A small unit like ours didn't need a lot of time to get organized. The men were eager to decamp and we were proceeding easily through the woodland. It would take us a few days to reach our destination.

"Is it true that Kenshin-kō intends to marry Kagetora-dono to Seienin-hime?" my father made conversation when we rested around noon the first day of our journey. I looked at Saburō.

"It is true." He didn't indicate what he thought about this, but then it was hardly appropriate for him to volunteer his opinion about the decisions of his lord's father.

What my father had just described was the usual procedure in cases of adoption. In order to bind one's adopted heir more strongly to his new clan and family, he would be married to a daughter or a niece – the latter in Kenshin-kō's case since he had never married and didn't have any children of his own blood.

It fitted Kenshin-kō, everyone agreed, to adopt a person as headstrong and idealistic as he himself was. But still, Kagetora-dono was the son of a former enemy – and such alliances were fragile in our times. The Uesugi retainers would feel much more secure once he had produced offspring which was related to Kenshin-kō's clan by blood.

I, too, was an adopted child and had married Naoe Osen, my adoptive father Sanetsuna's daughter, when I had taken his name. I hadn't seen my wife in almost a year, though. For me, thinking of Osen-no-kata these days usually brought a quiet sense of discomfort with itself. Ours was childless marriage, partly because I went on campaigns so often. But I knew she wished for a child – and Sanetsuna for a grandson.

I was aware that my wife thought of me as being cold not only to her but also towards the mere idea of romantic affection. In a way, she was right. All my life, I had never harbored a desire for any particular person. I enjoyed the physical aspect there was to it as much as anybody, but no one had ever conquered a place for themselves in my thoughts. Literature was full of descriptions of this feeling, yet I had never experienced it myself.

Lost in my thoughts, I suddenly realized that Saburō was watching me intently. He quickly changed the direction of his gaze when he noticed me looking at him. But when we returned to our horses after the meal, he unexpectedly addressed me.

"What about Kenshin-kō marrying his son to Seienin-hime displeases you?" he asked.

This stopped me in my tracks. He must have mistaken my silent brooding over my own affairs for discontent against the marriage we had just been talking about. A servant demanding accountability about his superior's inner musings – the nerve of it!

I tried to stay my usual calm self. "Nothing about it displeases me. On the contrary, quite a number of the Uesugi retainers would welcome his binding himself closer to us."

"And you count yourself among them," Saburō added, "the ones who don't trust him."

"Kagetora-dono switched clans once before, didn't he?" I asked before I could stop myself. "He lived with the Takeda for a couple of years."

Saburō raised a brow. "You cannot honestly think that anyone asked his opinion about these happenings."

"Nobody asked him this time either." The implication was clear: Why should his new alliance mean more to him than the previous one?

"Actually, Kenshin-kō did," Saburō replied with a gleam in his eyes. "In case, the alliance should be broken by either side, both Kagetora and Kakizaki Haruie will be allowed to decide on their own with which clan they prefer to remain."

"In which case – you expect him to choose the Uesugi over his blood clan?" I heard the disbelief in my own voice.

"Perhaps," he responded in a deceptively soft tone, "if it is in a man to do whatever serves his own interests best, he may regard being bound to a family by adoption and marriage as negligible. I wouldn't know."

I was speechless. I had just been insulted in an extremely subtle way which practically made it impossible to voice objection. And he, the nuisance, knew it. He seemed completely at ease without worrying about the mere possibility of punishment. My father calling saved me from having to find an answer that didn't make things worse than they were already.

-

Leaving the woodland, we entered a war-torn country. A member of the warrior class by birth, I didn't know much about the troubles that befell the people cultivating our land whenever they were as unfortunate as to be caught between two warring armies. I had seen battlefields, of course. But it is one thing to go to war knowing that your loved ones are safe home and something entirely different to peacefully mind your own business and find that war is coming to you instead.

A lot of Kenshin-kō's warriors took pride in the fact that he had always done his utmost to avoid the peasantry coming to harm. He was famous for this attitude of his. Only recently, when the Hojo and the Takeda had gone to war against each other and Takeda Shingen had found himself without any supplies, Kenshin-kō had sent salt to the besieged with the argument that wars should be won with spears and swords – not with salt and rice.

The last days had passed without any exceptional occurrences. Thoughts of Saburō were like thorns under my skin, even if we were hardly speaking to each other. Ever so often my eyes were drawn to him without me even realizing what I was doing. From questions my father had addressed him with, I had learned a few more details about him. He was eighteen, the same age as Kagetora. His father was not a peasant as I had assumed, but a fisher. He had grown up with Kagetora and had accompanied him to the Takeda when he had been sent there as a hostage. He also implied that they had been educated together which shed a new light on his manner of speaking.

He was a pest, I thought bitterly wishing quite unreasonably that our paths never would have crossed. I still couldn't get over what he had said about conflicting loyalties. Did he really see me that way? And if so: what did he base his assumptions on having met me only a couple of days ago? _You don't know me at all,_ I glared daggers in his direction all the while being aware that he had actually come very close to the truth. So far I hadn't found anyone who inspired real devotion in me.

But this really wasn't Saburō's business. It hadn't escape me that he was perhaps a bit aloof but agreeably so towards everyone else. It seemed he reserved the dismissive treatment for me. Why I could only guess at.

Surely, he must be used to people falling for him. A youth with his looks surely drew a crowd of admirers wherever he went. It was impossible for him to overlook that I felt somewhat attracted to him – and made a fool of myself while I was at it.

The afternoon before we reached our destination, however, something happened that put things into a different light.

We entered a village in no-man's land which didn't belong to either to Oda nor to Uesugi territory. Still it was obvious that troops of one kind or the other had passed through. The village lay deserted, however, a single person came out of one of the houses to greet us and offer us food and shelter for the night. To my surprise it was a young woman – almost scared out of her wits. Of course, one could never know what to expect from a bunch of warriors that appeared out of nowhere.

"Pathetic," my father said contemptuously when she retreated. "The men are hiding in the barns and send a young girl out when so much more can happen to her."

"You hopefully don't think I would allow any man to defile a woman in my presence," I said.

"How would they know what you would or wouldn't allow?" Sanetsuna asked. "They don't know you."

As my father turned away, Saburō spoke to me for the first time in a couple of days. "It would too late to protect her from that fate anyway."

"What gives you that idea?" I asked a bit flustered.

He hesitated, then gestured towards the ivory skin of his underarm. "She had those marks there. Open spots. That comes from scrubbing the skin until it breaks. She was trying to get clean again."

_And you would know that…how? _I had to bite my tongue not to blurt out with the obvious question. It seemed completely unreal to me to be standing here in front of a door that had just been shut to us and let myself be lectured on the sensitivities of rape victims by an insolent servant. Even if his hair faintly smelled of peppermint when he was standing so close to me… I suppressed a groan at the direction my musings were taking. _Not again,_ I thought. _Not when this so obviously upsets him – however bravely he tries to hide it. _

He hadn't looked at me once, but I could tell that he was deeply unsettled.

-

The following night, a muffled scream woke me up.

Jumping from my sleeping place, I was frantically looking around for intruders, but soon realized that we weren't being attacked. In fact, I was the only one who had heard something and probably I had done so just because I had been sleeping in close distance to our youngest companion.

He was fast asleep, but a nightmare had him tossing and turning. Sweaty strands of his black hair clung to his forehead. Worried, I knelt beside him and already extended a hand rouse him from his troubled sleep when I could make out the words that came from him.

"Don't… don't come any closer!" His brows were contracting. "No! Don't any of you touch me! Help me, Aniue…!"

It was only then that I questioned myself about the possible contents of his dream and came to a quick and unpleasant conclusion. Suddenly, I was glad that I hadn't touched him and at the same time I knew that I had to in order to wake him up.

"Saburō…" I called softly. "Saburō!"

It wouldn't do, I realized when he didn't come to. His eyes were moving incessantly behind his closed eye-lids. His breathing was ragged. I couldn't wake him like this.

"Saburō!" I closed my hand around his wrist.

His eyes flew open in an instant. They were wide with panic. "No," he gasped and withdrew from my grip with the speed of lightning. "Let go of me!"

I made a sign for him to be quiet as he scrambled to get away from me. I really didn't want the others to awaken and ask unnecessary questions. Thankfully, they slept like the dead after a journey of several days' duration.

"It's all right," I whispered. "Nothing is going to happen to you. It was just a nightmare."

Understanding dawned in his eyes at my choice of wording that I must have guessed at what his dream had been about. He sat in silent shock at what had been revealed about his past.

"It's all right," I said again, fondly. It wasn't as if I was going to tell anybody. And as far as I myself was concerned, he would just have to deal with me knowing.

"I don't need your pity!" Saburō spat at me as if trying to restore the old animosity between us. But it was too late for that. My anger at his assertiveness suddenly seemed so wrong at this moment.

"I'm not offering you pity," I answered.

We sat there in silence for a while – I not wanting to do anything wrong and Saburō probably not knowing what to say. I collected his blanket from the ground and handed it to him. Surely he must be cold sitting sweaty in the night-wind.

"How old were you?" I eventually asked.

For an eternity, he remained quiet. When I finally received a reply, it was barely audible.

"Fourteen."

I closed my eyes.

It made sense, in a heart-breaking way. Many little things made sense now. How he seemed oblivious to the attention the men were paying him, how he had reacted to my question whether the rumors about Kagetora's appearance were true and how he knew about the marks on the peasant girl's skin, of course.

This also explained why he had been so offhanded with me from the beginning. He had most probably noticed that I kept staring at him before I had realized it myself. He would be quite sensitive in those matters. All of a sudden I realized that my men would have noticed, too. That was the reason why none of them had made a move on Saburou yet. They were deferring to me.

_Very well then,_ I thought a bit wistfully, _I won't touch you either. I've got something better to offer to you. _

I watched him pull the blanket around his shoulders, apparently not ready to go back to sleep yet. In the moonlight, his fine features possessed an almost otherworldly beauty. I happily would have wrought the neck of any person who had dared to lay a hand on him without having been given permission. But I wasn't like them, I wanted to prove it to him.

_Sooner or later, you'll feel safe with me._

-

We were woken up again shortly before dawn and this time even more unpleasantly so. My eye-lids were heavy having just gone back to sleep again, but when I heard my father's voice call us to arms I felt wide awake in an instant. The Oda had found us.

I reached for my sword, then turned around to see if Saburō had managed to sleep through the noise that filled the barn we were sleeping in – and was greeted with an unexpected sight.

Saburō was standing next to my father, an arrow set on the string of his bow which he held up. He was eying the door in perfect concentration so when our attackers reached us, one of them instantly fell prey to Saburō's arrow.

Launching myself against another of Oda's men, I still found time to think: _Is that brat actually good at __**everything**__ he's doing?_ During the minutes that followed I was too engaged in combat myself to pay attention to what he was doing, though. I was concentrating completely on the fight and within a short span of time we were alone in the room.

My men were heading for the door to look for further opponents outside and I was turning into the same direction.

"No!"

I spun around and looked directly into Saburō's fierce gaze.

"They will expect that. Let them come in one by one instead!"

I didn't know what surprised me more: that he gave us orders in this commanding voice or that everyone hurried to do as he said. I didn't have much time to think, however, and both paid off to our advantage. The small passage slowed down the speed the Oda were moving with and never let more than one or two pass at the same time – which also gave Saburou the opportunity to make good use of some more of his arrows.

One of them was a bear of a man, however. Even when we inflicted several sword wounds on him and his shoulder had been hit by one of Saburō's arrows, he still managed to slip through our defenses to where Saburō and my father were standing and very nearly decapitated both of them with a single stroke.

My father ducked away.

Saburō jumped out of the way and in doing so stumbled, unwittingly, into my arms.

We were all wearing only light clothing, not our armors, and heat surged through my entire body at the unlooked-for touch. One of our men mowed down what turned out to be our last attacker. Out of breath, we were staring at each other.

Only then I realized why Saburō hadn't moved out of my reach at once. He was carefully balancing on one foot, his face grimacing with pain. I took hold of his elbow. My father ran towards us and asked if we were hurt.

"Saburō might have broken his foot," I said.

"Actually, it's sprained," Saburō pointed out, but for once, his insolence didn't bother me.

"Must you always have the last word?" I scolded.

"No," said Saburō without batting an eye.

-

**Another Note: **Ok. I think it's quite good so far. What do you think? ;-)

The episode about Kenshin sending salt to Takeda Shingen is historically correct btw, I didn't make that up.


	3. Three

**Author's Note: **Hi again. Thank you all so much for the kind words and the favs :-) You make writing this story all the more fun!

This is one of my favorite chapters. Let's see if Naoe can stick to his resolve not to touch Saburō, then…

**Warnings: **Lots of m/m UST ;-)

**-**

**Three**

No one of our adversaries had lived to tell the tale of the small Uesugi unit progressing into the direction of the main battlefield. My father showed himself very satisfied with how the conflict had been handled. Saburō's sprained ankle was almost the only injury we had taken.

"It's not that bad," he tried to shrug it off when I told him he should have it looked at. The two of us had remained in the barn after everyone else had left for outside to gather our things and prepare for the departure.

"Yes, it is," I argued. "You can hardly stand on that foot. Sit down." I reached for a bandage from our supplies.

"You cannot mean…" he began, flabbergasted for once at the prospect of being patched up by me.

"I feel inclined to. You did very well back there," I explained and patted the trunk next to where I was sitting. "Come."

A flicker of amusement shone in his eyes at my praise. I shot him a suspicious glance. What exactly he found so amusing, I couldn't detect, but my resentment towards him seemed to have flown away under the impression of last night's revelation.

As for now, I couldn't help but notice once more the expressiveness of his gaze. The barely suppressed arrogance he showed when speaking to me, the concentrated look he had when explaining Kagetora's plans to us, the mischievous glint he had displayed just a moment ago… And than there was the radiant gaze he had bestowed me with in the midst of the battle that made a person think they would do anything he asked from them. A person of many facets, Saburō was.

Having seated himself opposite from me, he winced when I tentatively moved his foot. As it turned out, we had both been wrong: his ankle was neither broken nor sprained. He had simply overstretched his ligaments. A bandage would do.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

"I've had worse," he responded wryly. I didn't doubt it.

For a while neither of us spoke as I noosed the bandage around his ankle several times. It occurred to me that I was enjoying myself much too much, kneeling there before him, holding his slender foot in my lap, touching that cool alabaster skin. It made me wonder if the rest of his body was just as ethereal.

_You're doing it again_, I scolded myself, displeased with my lack of self-control. Had I actually learned nothing from the events of the night before? Still, my hands lingered on his skin as if my fingers possessed a will of their own.

Determined to break the spell he held over me, I looked up to meet his cool, undoubtedly scornful gaze – only to find that Saburō had closed his eyes. He was leaning his head against the wall behind him. His fine features were as relaxed as I had never seen them before. My fingers froze. I held my breath, my heart-beat quickening all of a sudden.

Before I could think my actions over I slipped my hand up his leg, my eyes never leaving his face. His lips opened a tiny bit as if in response to what I was doing. His breathing seemed as heavy as mine. Heat pooled in my stomach and I felt the answering stir of my loins.

Saburō's eyes fluttered open as if he had suddenly remembered where he was. A fine blush had taken over his features. The expression in his eyes was so different from everything I had seen there before. I realized I was still holding on to him.

Awkwardly, I cleared my throat and gestured towards the bandage. "Does this feel too tight?" I asked.

He tried moving his foot. "No. It's fine."

"There you are," I said and let go of him. "Don't strain it too much during the next days and it will be fine."

"Thank you."

Our eyes met again. His were soft now, not at all like when he had raised his bow during the fight with the Oda. Suddenly, I experienced an urge to pull him down to where I was and flip him over onto his back so strongly, I was sure some of it was showing on my face.

Apparently, I was right in assuming this, but to my surprise Saburō didn't seem frightened or disgusted by this first real revelation of my desire. He just held my gaze, motionless as if waiting for me to close the distance between us.

I couldn't have stopped what happened next even if I had tried to.

My hands moved as if on their own accord, taking hold of his elbows and pulling him towards me. I felt the slight grip of his fingers on my arms. He felt so pliant in my grasp. A split second before his chest touched mine, though, he backed away from me.

"No," he gasped.

I let go of him at once. Cursing myself inwardly, I tried to collect my breath.

We were kneeling in front of each other. Saburō cast down his eyes for a moment then lifted them to meet mine again. There was a look of astonishment on his face.

"Naoe-dono!" I heard the voice of one of my men and turned my head to seem him standing in the door already. _Dammit._

"I'm interrupting," he stated the obvious, a sly hint in his voice.

It happened very quickly: Saburō turned his still expressionless face towards him and cast him a glance. The reaction was amazing. All blood left the man's face. Instead of waiting for me to address him, he merely bowed and quickly left.

Saburō rose from the ground as well. Without any further word, he headed for the door and stepped outside, though not without turning around once more and holding my gaze for a few more heartbeats. When he had voiced his objection to me, he hadn't even sounded afraid… More as if restraining himself at the last moment.

When he was gone, I exhaled sharply. _What are you doing?_ I asked myself. _Even if you weren't in the midst of a war, this boy is off-limits. Taboo. Untouchable. He's scarred enough as it is already, the last thing he needs is another old lecher lusting after him. He's better off left alone._

_Maybe,_ my treacherous mind supplied. _But you know what they say about how to heal this kind of wounds…_

I shook my head. Impossible.

But… it was true that I had hardly been able to look away from him since he had first entered my field of vision. Everybody else just had been quicker to catch on it than I.

And he had reacted to me just then.

Did Saburō desire me? I knew the answer; I had seen it in his eyes when I had pulled him into my arms. But did he even know what he desired from me and how much of it? Chances were he hadn't even thought that far.

Had he ever wanted anyone so far, was he even able to after what had happened to him when he had been a mere child? Did he wish for better memories of his own body?

_I could do that for him, _I found myself thinking. _I could make him so happy that he would forget about any pain he was forced to endure. _

I surely could trust in my abilities. I had been with men and women alike, virgins among them. Although technically, Saburō wasn't a virgin, of course – I had gathered that much from the painful hints he had given me. But I would have to treat him like one if I didn't want him to live with another bad memory.

With a barely audible groan I laid my forehead onto my arm. _Now listen to me,_ I thought, _trying to make it look like I'm doing him a favor when all I can think about is getting him to open his legs for me._

Sympathy and scruples almost made me sick. I felt bad about what had happened to him. I pitied him for having had to go through such an experience at this young age. None of this managed to diminish his appeal to me, however – on the contrary. It was an awful thing to dwell on but I felt glad in a way that he wasn't that perfect after all. It was a chink in his armor that in spite of what I had promised myself the night before only drew me closer to him.

Strength and vulnerability – I had underestimated just how seductive this combination could be.

-

Over the next few days we were watching the scenery for enemy signs and the movements of our own troops alike. A thirst for action was perceptible everywhere around me. But we were dependent on the right moment to pull off the stunt Kagetora-dono had thought up. The Oda didn't show themselves near us for quite a while.

I felt Saburō's eyes on me.

We hadn't spoken in private ever since that morning. With third parties present, we were civil towards each other if a little taciturn. If we couldn't express our real thoughts when we were alone, how were we supposed to do so in the company of others? We just caught each other's gaze from time to time and whenever it happened I felt a slight jolt go through my entire body. It was a miracle I got anything done that way.

On the fourth day of our watch, we could finally detect enemy movement. So far, both armies had only been staring at each other, mentally preparing for something to happen. The Oda were the first to move. They were changing emplacements. My father soundlessly gave a sign to us.

In the darkness, we lit fires on the surrounding hills, creating the impression that a fair amount of supply troops of Kenshin-kō's was coming towards the battle field from the opposite direction. As expected, the Oda drew back, heading right into the direction of Kenshin-kō's main force.

Only then I realized what Saburō hadn't actually said but what – I was sure – Kagetora-dono had been planning on: When the Oda retreated, the right flank of Kenshin-kō's army broke away from the main force and closed in behind them.

By making the Oda believe they would be attacked from two sides at once, we had actually managed to do so.

Saburō's young lord sure was a trickster.

-

By midday we were heading back into the woods. My father decided that we should rest there since we now could only wait for Kenshin-kou's army to find us now. Saburō stole away to the pond almost immediately. I exchanged a few comments with the others about the probable further progress of things on the battle field, before I slipped away as well.

It was hard to believe that mere miles away a bloody war was being fought, a war we were actually part of. Arrows flying, men screaming in pain, the ground being soaked with their blood – all of it seemed to happen in a parallel world which had nothing to do with me. I wandered through the woods, completely at peace with myself and everything around me: the bird voices, the hearty smell of the conifers and the soft ground under my feet. Evening fell when I reached the pond.

Saburō was in the water, resting his head against a tree root. He had his eyes closed. His fine features were relaxed as if in sleep, but his legs were moving every once in a while. The ripples on the water surface did not much to conceal his naked body from my view. Desire stirred in me as I imagined those slender thighs parting for me. I wanted him; I didn't plan on fighting my weakness any longer.

Saburō finally shook me from my reverie by getting out of the water. He seemed lost in thoughts, never once lifting his gaze. I was struck by his beauty as I had never been before. All the plains and slopes of his youthful body were laid bare to my gaze. Keeping silent, I watched him stroking the water droplets from his skin and pulling on his yukata.

Only then he noticed me. He didn't return my smile, but his face was serene. I broke away eventually from the tree I had been leaning against and stepped towards him. Saburō, too, took a few steps into my direction until we were standing quite close.

The birds had stopped singing, but I hardly noticed. A strange feeling came over me that literally stole the words from my lips. I wasn't actually getting nervous, just experiencing a strange kind of quiet. It was easy all of a sudden to forget what had brought us here. I felt as if there was no war going on, as if there was no other living being on this earth but us. There seemed to be no past and no future. Just us. Just this moment.

-

**Author's Note:** Don't tell me. I know I'm evil. ;-) Next chapter will justify the M-rating, though.


	4. Four

**Author's Note:** This is a special chapter… and a sexy one.

I hope you'll have as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Enjoy :-)

**Warning: **This chapter consists of a single scene which is a m/m lemon. If you're offended by this kind of thing, then don't read this chapter.

-

**Four**

I let my hands wander to the back of his head and freed his hair from the ribbon that held it together. My breath caught in my lungs at the feeling of the silken floods that glided through my fingers. The lower strands were slightly wet from the pond. Only now I became aware of how much time I had spent during the last days fantasizing about how this would feel.

A bit bewildered at the unexpected gesture, Saburō met my gaze. The black silk surrounding his face, he looked more beautiful than ever. In the dim light of the forest, his eyes seemed almost green.

To think that this loveliness should be mine to explore brought a lump to my throat.

"I'll be gentle," I whispered.

A fine blush appeared on his high cheekbones, before he wordlessly closed his eyes and let himself be pulled into my embrace. The quick, birdlike heart-beat I felt against my chest belied his nonchalance, however.

I sighed at the close contact, but my thoughts were spinning. I had thought about how to do this: imagine how I would go about forcing myself on somebody and then just step by step do the very opposite. So in any case Saburō would be aware from the start that this was different from his previous experiences.

I let go of him for a moment and took off my coat which I spread on the ground. I sat down and extended my hand to him. When he took it a bit surprised, I let myself sink on my back and pulled him over me.

He was straddling my hips, but my hands were still occupied near his face, stroking his neck and his hair which was falling over my forehead. Peppermint… How did he do it? We had been out in the field for days and still he smelled like this…

I smiled up at him. His flat hands were lying on my chest. My fingers hurried towards the seam of his clothing. Together we shed off his yukata and I cast it aside.

His skin under my hands… He had his face slightly turned away from me, his eye-lids on half-mast. There was tension in his frame, but I couldn't tell whether from fear or from anticipation. He exhaled sharply when I touched his nipples, biting his lower lip when I continued to stroke them. They quickly grew hard under my touch.

His head sunk forward as I teased him. His fingernails were cutting into my underarms as if signaling that this was too much for him. Although I was pleased with the response, I remembered too well what it had been like to be pleasured by another for the first time and readily had mercy on him.

I sat up and put my arms around him. He returned my embrace as if relieved by the absence of the pleasure. I couldn't suppress a smile. The icy exterior housed a very sensual person.

My hands traveled over his back. Saburō almost jumped when I touched his hip, but forced himself to remain where he was. I stroked his skin soothingly although I was very eager to get rid of his loin cloth.

Unfortunately, we didn't carry any liquor with us since we were on a campaign. It might have been useful to lower his inhibitions. Well, we had to do without. At least I had managed to pilfer a bit of oil from our supplies which I intended to put to good use.

Saburō closed his eyes as I pulled away his last cover. For some reason, it struck me then – seeing all of him for the first time – with full force that we were practically strangers.

Although I had never treated him roughly, he couldn't have been sure how I would behave once we were lying here like this. It had required so much courage, so much trust of him to stay here with me.

_Why me?_ I wondered, once again completely in awe of him. But the thought flickered away as quickly as my own clothing was being shed off. I caught Saburō in my arms and rolled us to the side.

I lost track of time as we were lying there facing each other. Hands were flying over the plains and slopes of each other's bodies. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I couldn't tell whether I had ever treated a lover with that much patience, that much consideration.

And the weirdest thing was that with him all of it came to me so naturally. I didn't feel at all like rushing things.

The touch of his fingertips was shy at first and soft like spider-webs. Still something under my skin seemed to draw his hands to me.

In the beginning, he mirrored my every move. But with time he was becoming a bit more confident in touching me where I didn't expect it and at one point running his hand through my hair as if fascinated by the texture.

His own movements abruptly froze, though, when I slipped my hand below his hipbone for the first time. He held up his hand and quite possibly would have stopped me, but I was already there, touching him, circling him, carefully stroking the tip. His breath seemed to catch in his lungs.

I formed a ring with my thumb and index finger which I slowly moved up and down his length. My eyes never left his face which he was half burying in his arm.

I let my whole hand touch him and he stormily threw back his head, presenting me with the full view of his beautiful flushed features again, his shadow hair fanned out against the forest ground. I could feel myself throbbing in reaction.

Before long, he covered his face with the back of his hand and softly cried out: "Ah, no… no more!"

I smiled again, stroking his rigid manhood with a single finger as if unable to let go of him completely. He couldn't imagine yet how much more pleasure there was to come if we continued with this.

In a pocket of the coat we were lying on, I found the small jar of oil.

"You were planning ahead", Saburō stated, a slight tremor in his voice but instantly in the know about what this was for.

"I was."

"Presumptuous", he said.

"Rightfully so," I pointed out and forestalled any objections by putting a lubricated finger against his entrance and slowly circling it. In doing so, I was looming over him quite suddenly, and I was all too aware of how this must feel for him.

His eyes were like impenetrable shields. I couldn't tell what was going through his mind but easily guessed that he was struck by memory. Once again I felt like lacerating those who had harmed him.

I stretched out by his side and ran my fingers through his hair "Is this what you want?" I whispered.

A completely flustered expression flitted over his face only to be replaced by something very akin to gratitude – which was probably why he very quickly suppressed it.

He just nodded towards me to go ahead. I sighed inwardly. It was very clear to me that in his heart he didn't want anything of this. He regarded it as a sort of ordeal. As a reward he might be freed from his fears. His eyes narrowed considerably when I complied with him. Even slipping a mere fingertip into him proved to be difficult.

It was I, though, whom escaped a soft sound of pain as his fingernails were digging deeply into my shoulder.

"Am I hurting you?" I asked.

Saburō let go of my shoulder as if he had realized what he was doing only then. "No," he said shortly.

I almost believed him.

I took my time with him as I had known from the start I would have to. Every once in a while I removed my fingers from him to coat them in some more oil, scissoring them, widening him for me.

Perhaps out of shame, he had averted his eyes during the procedure but he was watching me intently when I was finally pouring some of the oil onto myself. His eyes were wide and dark. Still he made no attempt at escaping, just remained where he was, his head laid back, his legs slightly opened.

"Don't be scared," I said.

"I'm not."

I knew he spoke the truth when I joined him once more on the ground and instantly felt him shifting against me. It wasn't fear – or at least not fear alone – that had him trembling, but desire, too.

I stroked the insides of his thighs as I made him spread his legs and slipped my fingers into him again. By now, I was met with almost no resistance.

Only when I carefully withdrew my fingers and instead settled my hips between his legs, Saburō looked decidedly nervous at the vulnerable position this left him in. Panic flared up in his gaze at the touch of my manhood.

I smiled at him reassuringly and let my hands glide over the insides of his thighs again which seemed so sensitive.

Bravely fighting demons I could only guess at, he let his head roll to the side and closed his eyes, silently giving me permission to continue. The air was filled with his heavy breathing and mine as I slowly worked myself into him.

He was tight, incredibly so. He didn't utter a word of discomfort, but I knew better than to judge on this considering his stubborn bravery. He must have been in pain in spite of having been prepared well.

This was a trial for him. He had set his mind on following through with this no matter the price he had to pay. I had no doubt that this was to a certain degree humiliating for him. But I intended to make him forget about his embarrassment soon.

I forced myself to breathe evenly, fighting not to lose myself in the feeling of penetrating him. To distract both him and myself, I whispered to him softly, soothingly, my face laid against his neck: words of comfort, of trust which stunned me more than him when I realized that I meant every single one of them.

And they seemed to have an effect on him by all means. Gradually, I could sense him relax around me. To my delight, I felt his hands on my back, wordlessly encouraging me as I was gliding in and out of him more effortlessly until I found myself wholly inside him.

I gently wrapped one of his legs around my hip and experimented a bit with the angle as I slid into him again, probing deeper, searching… finding…

Thrill surged through me at the shiver this produced.

Saburō froze under me.

Before, he had merely allowed me to do with him as I pleased; all he enjoyed so far was the relative painlessness, I wasn't going to fool myself there.

But this reaction of his betrayed the first pang of real pleasure. His hands suddenly clung to my shoulders.

"What are you doing?" he asked in a puzzled voice, his eyes meeting mine for the first time since I had entered him. In spite of the unresolved tension between us, I couldn't help admiring the beauty of this gaze for a moment.

"This, you mean?" I smiled, thrusting into him again, from the same angle as before.

His eyes fluttered shut for a moment as I touched that sensitive spot within him once more. Another carefully controlled thrust drew a small, helpless noise from him.

His head sunk back. I caught him in my arms as he melted into me. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of desire and tenderness.

"Ah, I… I didn't know…" he whispered, sounding slightly out of breath.

And it was obvious that indeed he hadn't. Although I had anticipated as much – his previous experiences stemmed from violence after all – it was still breathtaking to watch him being seduced by the unknown sensation. The sweet shock on his face aroused me beyond words.

But I didn't dare pound into him although the way his hips tentatively came up to meet my thrusts indicated just how much he enjoyed what I was doing to him. It wouldn't do to scare him or evoke bad memories.

Thus I disciplined myself. I kept my pace and closely took notice of his every reaction – the half-closed eyes in front of me and the short fingernails scraping over my back.

Saburō was panting by now. A fine film of sweat had spread over his skin. His legs had fallen further apart, unconsciously opening him up to me.

I was entertaining the thought of putting one of them over my shoulder, when I all of a sudden realized that he was struggling to withdraw from me. His elbows stemmed into the ground. He was trying to change the angle of my gliding into him not to be stimulated so thoroughly anymore, I realized.

To say that this startled me would be an understatement. Not having any of it, I pulled him closer again.

"Wait," he tried to stop me. New tremors were running through his slender figure as I embedded myself deeper into him. "I'm… I'm going to –"

"Yes." I knew what he couldn't say and was determined not to let him get away without it. "Don't fight it."

His palms pressed against my chest. "No," he gasped. "You don't understand…"

But I did understand – or at least I thought so. It was one thing for him to submit to me, but something entirely different to let me bring him to climax. There was only so much he could give of himself in order not to get too close to me.

"It's all right," I whispered, running my hands over the insides of his thighs. "Just let yourself go…"

A soft groan escaped his lips when I guided his legs around my waist again, but he was still resisting me. "I – cannot," he shook his head.

"Trust me," I said. "Give yourself to me…"

And I closed my hand around him.

"Ah…!"

He was lost. His back arched into me, my flesh penetrating him deeper. I thrust into him rhythmically, nearly losing myself in the pleasure but moving my hand steadily up and down his length. This twofold stimulation left him with no choice but to surrender to me. I could tell he was close when his hands fell from my shoulders to claw into the soil instead. So was I, incidentally.

"Oh," he moaned out in ecstasy, his body giving in, my will finally defeating his. "Ohhh…"

His lithe frame jerked beneath me. I felt his climax through my fingers, against my stomach and white-hot pleasure surged through me, my pulse thundering in my ears, my own unrestrained moans ringing out as I joined him in release.

Saburō came down from his high with a groan that was almost painful in its intensity. I took in his closed eyes and flushed cheeks and tenderly cupped his face in my hand. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No", he said and put an arm over his face as if trying to hide his turbulent feelings from me. "I can't believe we just did that."

Part of me couldn't believe it either. Pure delight at having succeeded in taming this wilful creature shot through my consciousness, only to be swept away by a softer, quite unknown emotion, and finally an all-consuming fatigue. I collapsed onto my clothing and pulled the breathless youth against my chest. His arms came around me almost shyly.

I wanted to say a thousand things at once, but instantly realized that I was too pleasantly sated to do more than just hold him. My body felt heavy and boneless, all too ready to let sleep pull me under as it had done with Saburō already a moment ago.

-

**A****nother Note:** I'm such a romantic… ;-) Please tell me what you think…

Perhaps you noticed that in spite of all that happens in this chapter they never once kiss. That's no accident: judging from what I've read on the subject, kissing is a custom not known in Japan before the arrival of Western travellers. There were a few foreigners in Japan in the 16th century, mostly Portuguese missionaries. But Catholic priests as ambassadors of kissing? I don't know… :-)


	5. Five

**Author's Note: **Good grief, you all probably thought I was dead! I'm awfully sorry that it took me so long to update this, so I won't bore you with the detailed reasons for my absence and just get on with it.

I felt that it's time for a change of POV. Saburō Kagetora and the awkward aftermath are just too good to pass up… Prepare for an emotional roller-coaster ;)

**Five **

**Kagetora's POV**

Waking up I almost instantly realized that something was different. This was not how I spent most nights. Usually, I would curl up under a blanket, knees almost drawn to my chest as if doing what I could not to provide a target. But now I was lying there completely relaxed, all muscles unbent, my legs stretched out – and the side of my face pressed against someone's skin.

His hand was in my hair; warmth spread across my neck and my jaw bone.

I couldn't suppress the slight jolt that went through me, but forced myself to keep quiet. Slowly, careful not to wake him, I extangled myself from Naoe's grasp. The last thing I wanted now was for him to wake up and for me having to look him in the eye. Shame, awkwardness and new arousal all washed over me at once.

What had I done?

No. I pressed my eyes shut and shook my head. No, I wasn't going to ask myself that. It was a fairly stupid question and not prone to help me in any way now.

Grabbing my clothes, I kept my eyes on Naoe's sleeping face. He looked incredibly handsome, more so than ever in the light of the early morning that broke through the tress. It wasn't only him. Everything was beautiful; the dawn, the grass, the trees and the slight ripples on the surface of the pond.

Maybe this place was enchanted after all. It certainly would explain a lot. For example, how I – a son of the Hōjō clan and only heir to Uesugi Kenshin – had let someone... let someone... like the whore I was according to... to...

Nausea welled up as I recalled the words, long buried in my memory. The forest scenery blurred before my eyes. I had to leave, I decided. It seemed a wise idea to me not to let anyone notice us return together. Snickers and knowing looks would be more than I could bear now. While Naoe slept on peacefully, I got dressed and headed back to the camp.

I walked quickly, never once looking up from my path. I didn't want the enchanted forest to distract me any further. I'd forgotten myself already, I thought. So maybe he _was_ the first person I had ever looked at with desire – and probably had done so from the start – but that still didn't justify my behaviour in this matter. Not instantly recognizing my feelings for what they were, I had been able to see at first glance that _he_ was attracted to _me_. That kind of thing had happened to me before, of course. From a much too young age I had been the object of looks and smiles and suggestive hints, but now I discovered – much to my dismay – that it didn't disgust or frighten me that Naoe desired me. How very unusual.

His attraction hadn't wavered, I recalled, not when I provoked him and not even when he found out that I was used goods. The betrayal of my secret had marked the turning point in our relationship. Although I had actually become more vulnerable to him, I had started to feel at ease with him, too.

I also got to witness his self-restraint when he touched me for the first time, his deference to what I wanted or didn't want. Whether it was about my loyalties or my body, no one had ever asked for my opinion or paid any attention to what I wanted. Except for Ujiteru-ani, of course. At times, I had almost managed to forget about my own wishes. I had come to regard them as something out of line, something unfitting.

And now they had caught up with me. One of them in particular: I wanted to get rid of the memory of a certain night in Odawara four years ago. I felt that it made me vulnerable. And what better way to bring this to a finish than repeat the experience out of my own free will, I had mused until my wish to be freed from my demons had outweighed any sense of decorum. Apparently, even my own stubborn pride could be subdued if only I wanted something badly enough. Determined to conquer my fear, I had rushed into the experience head-on without putting up the slightest bit of resistance – and without even considering the position this would leave me in.

My eyes narrowed. If Naoe thought only because I had given myself to him, he could have it from me any time he wanted, he was mistaken!

Arriving at the camp, something else occurred to me. And if this one night was all there was to it? If he didn't even wish for a repetition? For some reason, the thought felt like ice fingers wrapping themselves around my heart.

For the first time, I tried to regard things from Naoe's perspective and found myself at a loss. What did he think of me now? What had possessed me, I wondered, running a hand through my hair in turmoil. It was one thing to get it over and be done with, but something altogether different to enjoy the experience. I had very rationally decided that I would follow through with this. And… what happened then … had simply pulled the rug out from under me.

How had I been to know that it would feel like this? I'd had to stop myself from asking if I was supposed to react in this way. And I still didn't know. I'd expected pain, of course. Shame, too. Pain in particular had stopped scaring me a long time ago. These were feelings I was familiar with, but – _that_... Even now, the memory of Naoe's touch sent a pleasant shiver over my skin, and I didn't know how to deal with it.

After what had happened in Odawara four years ago, I hadn't even been able to touch myself that way. Everything connected to the physical but especially taking pleasure in my own body had felt so wrong. Still I remembered very vividly how _they_ had constantly been trying to make me believe that on some level I was enjoying what they were doing to me, that this was what this body of mine was made for.

I didn't believe a word of it, of course. Moreso, I had been convinced back then, that no one in their right mind could ever put themselves through such an experience on their own free will. But Naoe had proved me wrong here. I couldn't decide whether this was better or even worse. _Wanton_ and _indignant_ were words that sprang to mind...

"Are you all right?"

I very nearly jumped at the sound of his voice. "Of course," I all but stammered – or at least I had the impression of doing so. He was standing close enough for me to smell his skin.

"Yesterday, I didn't get the chance to ask what you actually thought of it all. You fell asleep so quickly."

Promptly and embarrassingly, I felt my face flush. Naoe laughed and tucked a lose hair back from my hot cheek as I looked away. "So I figured now would be an excellent moment to ask," he teased. "Did you like it?"

He was making fun of me. It couldn't have escaped him how much I had enjoyed lying with him and if he wasn't completely daft he could guess that I'd had a lot of firsts yesterday. Well, two could play this game, I decided.

"That's hard to answer," I said gravely, "since my verdict wouldn't be based on a lot of experience. I mean, does once count at all?" I finally summoned up my bravery and looked him in the face. I was met by a delighted and astonished smile that instantly made me abandon all touchiness and wonder instead why on earth we were teasing each other.

"This night, then?" Naoe suggested, stroking my bare underarm slightly which made breathing quite difficult.

"Yes."

… _What?_

"And the night after?" he urged gently.

_What in the name of the gods..._

"Yes…" An abashed smile tugged at my lips.

_...are you doing, Hōjō Saburō?_

"And the night after that?"

I laughed softly and turned away, extracting my arm from his slight grasp in the process. Naoe's arms wrapped themselves around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder. It felt nice to be held like this. I leaned back against him, putting a hand on his arm. For a while neither of us spoke.

"That makes me very happy," he finally concluded.

I could hardly believe what was happening. Not only did he ask for more but also for my consent. He actually left the decision to me whether there would be a next time. Or maybe he was just extraordinarily sure of what would be the outcome of my decision. Yet no matter how I perceived things, to Naoe I was still only a servant. Most nobles considered commoners fair game.

I had been lucky, I knew this. Being with him could have left me even more scarred. But Naoe wasn't like this; he had shown it last night and just proven it again. And now – in the presence of him who could make my pulse speed up with a mere look – I didn't feel like stopping.

At least not at once, I thought, my mind screaming at me not to be a fool and run. Just this once again... I would pay the price afterwards, I decided.

-

I couldn't stop trembling this time, either.

If anything, it was worse, because now I already knew how being taken by him would make me feel. The day hadn't seemed to ever come to an end. There was nothing much to do since we had completed our task, but the two of us couldn't very well disappear before the evening either. Under the trees, in the last glow of the evening sun, we fell into each other's arms.

Instantly, my knees became so weak that I doubted I could go on standing for very much longer. Awkwardly, we were pulling off our clothing and then, his hands were on my skin again. I sank against him with a groan – and found myself floating. Quite literally, because Naoe had lifted me from the ground and was carrying me to where he had laid out his cloak as he had done the night before.

"You're blushing," Naoe pointed out, totally unnecessarily so as I thought.

"I'm not," I shot at him, embarrassed. "What you're seeing is the light of the sunset."

Laughing, he put me down and joined me there on the ground. "Yes, you are," he whispered into my ear. His breath stroked deliciously over my neck. I forgot to argue with him as I lost myself to his nearness, to the heat of his skin – pleasant and terrifying at the same time.

I wanted to touch him, my hands were moving as if on their own accord, but he deftly caught them and held them to the ground over my head with one hand. The other was travelling over my chest, brushing all the sensitive spots he had been introduced to only last night. My hands started to shake in his grasp when he let his lips follow that same path. His tongue was playing with one of my nipples while his hand wandered lower and lower until I was squirming under him.

"Ah… Naoe…"

I heard him chuckle in response, perhaps at my insolence of calling him by his name only without any title. For Uesugi Kenshin's son this kind of behaviour would have been perfectly all right, but I was a servant…. Knowing I was prone not to pay much attention to such small details, I had tried not to call Naoe at all during the last days. But now he might just as well attribute it to the state I found myself in.

His thumb stroked the tip of my member and my breath was so heavy as if rising from the ground of the sea. My hips lifted themselves against my will. As much as I wanted to I was unable to free my hands from his grasp. The pleasure that sparked through me from where he was moving his hand was almost too much for me to bear. Helplessly, I turned my head and bit into his neck. He laughed and let go of me.

A kind of desperation had seized me. I was pulling him closer to me, wanting all of him and at once. Our breath mingled. My hands moved over his back muscles, acting on instinct alone until they came to rest on his buttocks. My boldness drew a surprised gasp from him. Without missing a beat, I wrapped my legs around his waist… enticing him…beckoning him to come to me...

"Wait… wait," he whispered to me, amusement colouring his voice as I was trembling under him in frustration. "We can't do this right away, we need to…" He escaped my glare by leaning to the side. When he returned, I noticed his fingers were wet with… something, like yesterday.

Being stretched like this still felt slightly uncomfortable. Plus I felt a bit sore from last night's activities. But I found myself not caring. The sensation of his flesh impaling me drowned everything else. My head was spinning. This was what I had hungered for all day after all. And I had come such long way to feel what I was feeling now, to experience what I was experiencing now – being wanted, being claimed, being touched this intimately, almost too cautiously.

"You know," I whispered into his ear, slightly out of breath, "I'm – not made of porcelain." I hardly believed what I was saying. Yes, I wanted it. Yes, I wished for him to give me more of it. But it was one thing to just be aware of feeling this and something entirely else to voice such thoughts shamelessly. Not that I wasn't ashamed at all. I merely wasn't ashamed enough, that was the problem.

Naoe paused and flashed me a smile in the twilight. "Are you now?"

Before I knew what was happening, he had switched our positions, rolling onto his back and bringing me with him so that I was on top of him. He entered me deep like this; I had to muffle my own scream by biting my hand. It hurt, but at the same time he was touching that spot I remembered from yesterday. I stiffled my gasps against my palm.

"Don't," he commanded a bit breathlessly and pulled my hand away from my mouth. "Be as loud as you want. No one will hear but me."

I shook my head, unable to articulate the words as his hips moved upwards. I certainly wasn't willing to make more of a spectacle of myself than necessary.

Naoe laughed. "Something tells me we'll always be at odds here…" He was hinting at the night before, of course, when I had fought against him all the way to my climax only to find out that I was no match for his skills of seduction. I had to admit that I liked it. Struggling against him, against the pleasure, against my own surrender added an odd thrill to our copulation. Maybe I was messed up after all.

This felt good, too, I decided getting used to the new position. The pain subsided enough for me to meet Naoe's hips, to indicate the movements myself. Control lay with me now, I realized in wonder, running my finger nails over his exposed chest and relishing in the way his eyes fluttered shut. Soon enough I was having a hard time, though, to observe his reactions as he quickened his pace. His hands came to lay on my hips in order to control the rhythm.

It was too much. Liquid fire seemed to run through my veins instead of blood. My head sank backwards, I felt my hair touching my back. The air of my heavy breaths dried up my lips. I bit them in order to keep back the moans that threatened to spill out. I put my hands on Naoe's which were holding my hips and he touched me right _there_ as he thrust into me.

As much as I wanted to control myself, self-restraint was being taken from me bit by bit. No one had ever possessed me like this. All thought seemed to leave my mind and I only faintly realized that Naoe was speaking to me.

"You're beautiful," he murmured.

I froze.

"Saburō?"

_Beautiful Saburō..._

"What's wrong?"

_What's the matter? You don't like it like this?__ You little slut, you do... _

Naoe sat up. His eyes were apprehensive, full of concern. He knew his words had triggered something; he just didn't know what. He was still inside me, but didn't try to touch me otherwise.

"You're shaking."

So I was, I realized. Or actually, it wasn't me but the world around me, Naoe seeming the only fix point. So I clung to him.

He laid back, bringing me with him. I didn't have to say it out loud what was the matter. "I thought you were all right with it," he murmured, stroking my back.

"I am," I insisted stubbornly although I felt like bursting into tears. It took me a few minutes to fight down the urge to cry, but I managed. I just let mysef be held until my trembles gradually subsided.

"You can tell me about it if you want to," he suggested.

Tell him... He said it like it was nothing at all. _No one_ knew that it had even happened. Not my father, not Ujimasa-dono, not Kenshin... not even Ujiteru-ani. I had been so good at keeping my silence for four long years, no one as much as suspected anything, although I sometimes found myself thinking that all the people close to me really had to be preoccupied with other things than my psychological well-being not to notice...

"If only I hadn't taken the sea road that night", I burst out. "I mean, I had caught them looking at me, both of them, I just wasn't sure whether... I didn't expect them to actually do something about it. They were Hojo after all. They were retainers of my clan. But – they left. There had been some sort of argument, I didn't even know about it until a few days later. So maybe they had gone deliberatey looking for me afterwards or it was just a coincidence, the perfect opportunity to take revenge on my brother." I laughed unhappily. "As if I'd ever tell him something like this! He doesn't know to this day, no one does. I'm sorry." I put a hand to my mouth, drained after letting ot all out.

"I'm sorry," I said again – apologizing for something quite unspecific as I usually did when I couldn't admit that I in fact was the one who had been hurt or wronged. Strangely enough, I felt better than before. I didn't know whether this stemmed from speaking up about it or from being held in a comforting embrace.

But Naoe seemed to be thinking of something else entirely while he was lying there with me in his arms, stroking me while my breathing became calmer and my raging heart-beat slowed down. "Saburō," he asked softly after a while. "What do you mean when you say, revenge on your brother? What reasons could they have had to want revenge on a family of fishermen?"

-

**Author's Note:** ouch, cliffy...

Kagetora's POV was supposed to be a single chapter but I just couldn't find a way to make it shorter. So I'll be posting the rest of it in about a week. Yeah, hopefully.


	6. Six

**Author's Note: **You know, it's a pity you cannot see my reactions whenever I'm getting the notification that somebody reviewed this story... It makes me so happy it's downright ridiculous :-)

And I'm almost on time with the update!

**Warnings:** This chapter contains a m/m lemon.

On we go! Last reported state of affairs: Kagetora accidently blabbed about his family relations...

**Six**

_["Sabur__ō," he asked softly after a while. "What do you mean when you say, revenge on your brother? What reasons could they have had to want revenge on a family of fishermen?"]_

_I don't believe this,_ I thought. _I cannot actually have been that foolish, can I?_

I'd been so swept up into my own tale, into the feelings that were connected to this memory, that it came completely natural to me to speak of Hōjō Ujimasa as my brother.

Anxiety pooled in my stomach. I forced myself to lie still, my head resting on Naoe's chest – but not too still in order not to betray my lapse.

He was waiting for an answer.

Breathe in... and out...

My mind was entirely blank for a couple of moments. And then, I found the very easy solution about how to handle this.

"Nobutsuna," I said and felt his fingers abruptly come to rest on my skin. "I really don't want to talk about it any further."

I lifted my head from his chest and looked into his eyes. I didn't have to say what I wanted to do instead. His breath came to an abrupt halt.

I could do this. And I could force him into it, too – into abandoning the questions that had popped up due to my own ignorance. Because I held power over him. I knew I did. Now I didn't actually believe in the myths of royal blood and the gift of authority that it allegedly carried – my ancestors had only taken on the name of the former ruling dynasty of Kanto. But I had found out ages ago that I was able to force people into obedience with a mere look and Naoe would be no exception.

_Just do what I ask of you_, I communicated with my eyes. _Don't ask any more questions. _

I was down on my back again, not knowing whether he had put me backwards or if I had brought him there with me, but he was leaning over me with a serious expression on his face. Of course, he was in doubt whether he should actually do this after what I had just been telling him. Yesterday he hadn't known all the details.

_No_, I thought, _you don't have to understand. Just do my bidding... _

I found that I was smiling. It was probably the most exhilarating moment of my young life when I saw him break.

Of course, he couldn't resist me. No one could. _They_ had said it that very night and for the first time I believed it. Already his hands were all over my body. And mine were all over his, completely fearlessly wandering over the smooth skin.

_That's it. _I'll _decide the moment this web of deceit I've spun comes tumbling down..._

Right now, this wasn't what I wished for. All I wanted was him – more of him, anything he had to offer. His knee nudged my legs apart. I willingly opened them for him and sighed when he stroked the inside of my thighs, spreading them wider.

It was quite painful when he pushed inside. My fingernails raked over his back as if taking revenge. He groaned, his hot breath breaking against my neck. We were both panting heavily. His hands came up to cup my face as he started a slow rhythm with his loins, carefully gliding in and out of me. I nuzzled my cheek against his hand.

Naoe propped himself up on his hands as he changed the angle of his hip movements. I was pushing myself up against him for closer contact. The pain had subsided considerably by now. Moonlight caught in his hair, illuminating our surroundings enough for me to perceive his half-closed eyes and the way his muscles rippled under his skin as he moved above me.

_He's beautiful,_ I thought and then abruptly stopped thinking when he hit that spot inside me again with a smooth thrust. A gasp drew from my lips. No matter how often this had happened before, the sensation still came to me as pleasant shock. Knowing this perfectly well, he kept up the movement until my head was spinning and I felt the heat rise into my cheeks. I was leaning my forehead against his neck. Once again, Naoe had succeeded in reducing me to a writhing heap of limbs.

Although I had instigated it all this time, I found things rapidly spinning out of control – or rather: out of my control. Naoe seemed to be perfectly able to enjoy what we were doing and still concentrate on ways to make it even better. Me it robbed of my breath.

I couldn't even begin to comprehend how he could make me feel so weak, so wanton. I'd practically committed an act of seduction – or at least of persuasion – which had given me the impression of enforcing my will. But Naoe had somehow turned the tables with the help of my treacherous body that liked what was being done to it way too much. Now I was the one losing to him.

And I was indifferent towards it to the point that I allowed him to put my legs onto his shoulders – first one, then the other. It was less comfortable than the position we'd been in before but I didn't care anymore. The friction between us burned higher by the second. I tugged a fistful of his hair to pull him closer.

The night was filled with sounds: the soft groans emitted by Naoe which travelled over my heated skin as he thrust into me with abandon and somebody else's voice – louder, more unrestrained and so altogether foreign that it took me a moment to realize that it belonged in fact to me. I'd forgotten to suppress my moans for once.

Tiny sensations – barely registering with me by the time, but haunting me for years afterwards – skirted along the edges of my consciousness: the heat of his back under my heels, the tips of his silky hair stroking my collar bone.

A soft cry broke from my throat when his fingers wrapped themselves around me. I recalled this: being stimulated both from the inside and outside and becoming so helpless in the face of that pleasure. Again there was nothing much I could do but submit to the feeling, voicing my surrender with a near-sob.

"Look at me," Naoe whispered before long. "I want to see your eyes when you come."

I almost did just that from these words alone. My unsteady gaze focused on him, our breath mingling. It cost me the tiny rest of my self-control to keep my eyes locked with his when he sped up his rhythm. But I knew I was affecting him just as much as he was me. His eyes were run over with a caleidoscope of emotions and I wondered how I had ever regarded this man as cold.

"Oh... Saburō..." he moaned.

Being called like this proved the end for me. Every fibre of my body filled with him, I heard myself cry out with the force of own my pleasure peaking.

Safe.

Saved.

When I came to, I was lying on my back with Naoe stretched out on the ground next to me. Propped up on an elbow, one of his hands was cradling his head, the other tracing my cheek bones. The night-wind was drying the sweat on my skin. I could smell the grass and the corniferes and the mixture of our bodily fluids. I felt sore and exhausted, but at the same time giddy with happiness.

"You know," he smiled at me, calm and tender, "I might just be a bit in love with you."

The soft-spoken words hit me like a gust of ice water. The realization of what I was doing slammed into me with full impact just then.

I had lost my mind.

My father was coming. It was a question of days, maybe hours, for my true name to be revealed. Before, that would have left us all in a slightly awkward situation, but now…

Clearly not expecting an answer to his almost-confession, Naoe scooted closer to me. He quietly laid his face against my neck and put an arm around me. I closed my eyes as if I'd been able to shut out my inner turmoil like this. Even so, sleep eluded me for a long time. It was almost morning when I was finally able to fall asleep, my fingers intertwined with his, surrounded by his warmth and his scent.

-

**Naoe's POV**

Saburō awoke in a frenzy. The sun was up high alreay. I'd been awake for at least an hour but couldn't bring myself to wake him. He was sleeping so peacefully, his head occupying one of my arms.

I continued watching him until those beautiful eyes gradually opened and almost instantly took on a horrified expression. "It's late!" I got to hear instead of a "Good morning".

I could guess at what went through his head. Everyone must have noticed that we were gone. Everyone surely must think that we had spent the night together...

I wasn't so sure about this and even if so, it troubled me much less than him, but I chose not to put my thoughts into words about him better getting used to it since – if I had my way – everyone would be able to guess at what had happened between us.

On our way back, I thought of Kagetora whom I still had to meet and pondered what I could offer Kenshin's heir for him to part with this servant of his. I had no idea what kind of person he was nor if my feelings were reason enough for him to let Saburō go.

All I could say for sure was that I wanted to try and convince him – and that I didn't want to lose Saburō.

But there would be plenty of time to speak about this later. Something told me that Saburō wouldn't respond very well to such an arrangement if he wasn't asked about what _he_ wanted first. Considering their common past, Kagetora might even consider Saburō's wishes as being the decisive factor.

We stepped out of the forest, into the open, and stopped dead in our tracks.

They had arrived.

Kenshin-kō's army was camping on the hills. His generals were standing in the clearing, in conversation with my father. I recognized Kakizaki Kageie and Yasuda Nagahide among them. Common soldiers and servants were running around the place, officers barking orders at them.

And in the middle of them all, I easily detected the very person whom we all had sworn our loyalty. He had his back turned to us, but I saw Nagahide spotting us stepping out of the forest and commenting on it to Kenshin-kō. Immediately, everyone fell silent, but I was too preoccuppied with the presence of our lord to wonder about this.

Kenshin-kō turned around, his eyes taking in our appearance but not meeting mine over the distance. They were glued to the slender figure next to me instead. Unceremoniously, Kenshin-kō broke away from the group of his generals.

I wordlessly sank to my knees.

He swept past me to where Saburō stood, still rooted on the spot – as if transfixed, not even bowing when our lord stopped in front of him.

To my immense astonishment, Kenshin-kō fiercely back-handed the boy without uttering a single word. Saburō held his ground, not even allowing his head to turn under the force of the slap. He merely dropped his gaze to the ground.

I nearly stepped forward at the sight of this but caught myself at the last moment.

Over there, Kenshin-kō slowly shook his head as if unable to believe what he was seeing. Finally, he extended an arm towards Saburō and pulled him close for a moment.

What in the name of all gods was going on?

"A strange way to praise him," my father who hadn't exactly a reputation for mincing matters commented drily.

"Praise him?" Nagahide snorted. "He can consider himself lucky if he isn't severely punished for this."

Kageie who seemed to have noticed my reaction smiled at my father who looked just as bewildered as I was sure I did. "Oh, I see. He probably didn't tell you he was under strict orders from Kenshin-kō to stay at Echigo, did he?"

My father stared at him. "Your pardon?"

He laughed softly. "So he didn't."

I was sure I was missing something here. "Why would Kenshin-kō order such a thing?" I asked. It went over my head why he would trouble himself with where his heir chose to send his servants as long as Kagetora himself stayed where he was. It didn't seem right to me for Kenshin-kō to vent his anger about Kagetora's behaviour on a servant.

Kageie seemed surprised. "Well, he's a father now. It's only natural to be protective of one's heir."

"Well, I can see that, but why – "

"That boy," my father cut in sharply. "He's not really a servant, is he?"

I stared at my father, then hastily turned around to Kageie whose mouth formed a small, round _o_.

"That's what he told you? Incredible!" He exchanged most disbelieving looks with Nagahide.

"When he came here, he introduced himself as Saburō," my father explained.

"Oh, his name _is_ Saburō," Nagahide commented, "or rather it was Hōjō Saburō before he became Uesugi Kagetora."

To this day, I am not sure just how many seconds it took the words to sink in. I remember my slight irritation with this statement turning to shock, turning to disbelief.

_He – _

My breath was literally stolen from my lungs.

_He's him. That shadowy figure in the background we were all so curious to meet, who can think up feints like the one we pulled__ on his orders – he was with us all the time._

_Saburō is Kagetora. And he – I... We..._

I was lost in my raging thoughts and only distantly became aware of my father speaking, explaining our situation to the others.

"He said he was a servant of Kagetora-dono's. He brought a hand-written note with him."

"Thought of everything, the brat," Nagahide stated almost appreciatively.

"That's Kenshin-kō's heir you're talking about," Kageie scolded – and then laughed out loud when he looked at my father and me. "And you two probably made him light the fire and wash your clothes."

We had indeed done this and it sure was a matter to be embarrassed about. But I alone knew the extent of the disrespect he'd been shown. I had done the unforgivable.

"I can't believe this," my father murmured, mirroring my own thoughts exactly.

_Kensh__in-kō's heir. I had lain with... not just a superior, but my future clan lord. And not only lain, but... taken him. _

"Don't worry," Kageie said quickly. "I don't think, he will hold it against you."

"He better not", Nagahide said. "No one forced him into using an alias."

Right, I hadn't know whom I was dealing with after all. But _he_ had known and he'd still let me walk into that trap.

Something cold and heavy settled in my insides.

Why...? Had he planned this? Had his initial dislike of me prevailed and he had thought this up to shame me?

No. I inwardly shook my head. Impossible. He had as much to lose as I did if this ever came to light.

And also... I had seen it all, his fear, his shame, his pain. And his pleasure. He couldn't have lied about any of those.

They were walking towards us now. If the very ground under my feet had opened and swallowed me up, I would have welcomed it very much.

I just didn't understand.

_Why on earth would he – _

Kenshin-kō's hand was lying on Saburō's shoulder. "My son, Uesugi Kagetora," he said calmly. Saburō had obviously told him that he had used an alias during the time he spent with us. He looked very composed, although his cheek was still a bit read from the hit.

"Kagetora-dono," my father started. "We behaved most unseemingly during these last two weeks. You can hopefully forgive us since we weren't in the know."

"Most certainly," the melodic voice answered that I had heard gasping and moaning my name only last night. "And in return, you forgive me for lying to you about my true name."

My father bowed again and so did I, mechanically. The reactions of the people around us weren't lost on me. They were visibly impressed with this child of the Hōjō turned heir to their clan lord and his ability to make such beautiful gestures. Even Nagahide's lip curled a bit.

I forced myself to breathe even. How could he have done this to me?

He hadn't looked at me once.

My father was watching me intently, though. I noticed his gaze flickering between me and Sa- _Kagetora_ more than once. I merely hoped I didn't look as miserable as I felt increasingly as the knowledge had time to sink in.

He had deceived me. He had lied to me from the start and never even tried to tell me the truth, not even when we...

Especially not then, I recalled. He had even forestalled my questioning him after his slip only the other night. At least, now I had the answer to the question why someone would hurt Saburō in order to get to his brother. He had been talking about Hōjō Ujimasa.

"Sanetsuna," Kenshin-kō said fondly, thankfully drawing my father's attention away from me. "I am very satisfied with the way you and your son handled this task – and also, of course, with how you didn't let my own child come to any harm. The fact that you didn't know who he was makes your care even more special."

Approving murmurs rose all around. Drinks were being handed; toasts were made to the victory, to Kenshin-kō and finally to Kagetora. Conversations were held and I was participating, the words disappearing from my mind as soon as I had voiced them. A strange numbness had come over me.

Through the haze, I noticed Kenshin-kō giving his son a sign for him to come and speak with him in private.

It was then that our eyes finally met.

All gods help me, he was as beautiful as ever but he wasn't that person anymore. That person whom I had held in my arms by the pond didn't actually exist. There was only Uesugi Kagetora who didn't let on that he even remembered anything that had happened between us.

_And thankfully so_, I thought, my sorrow turning to bitterness. His indifference would make it easier for me to forget these last days.

For this was what I had to do, of course: find the strength to bury the memory of that pair of eyes.

There might have been a flicker of... _something_ in his gaze – sadness, regret, pity, I didn't know what. Maybe it had been my own imagination that hungered for a sign from him. But whatever it was, it quickly vanished even before he looked away again and slipped away from our group.

I watched him close up to Kenshin-kō, falling in step beside his father. The wind caught in his hair –

Then he was gone from my sight.

-

**Kagetora's POV**

"You've changed somehow," my father said when we were alone.

"What do you mean?" I was standing by the fireside with practically the whole room between us. Already, I felt drained by the day's events and it wasn't even noon. But I couldn't drop my guards just now – not in front of him who usually saw through me as if I were made of glass. Kenshin was watching me intently from the other side of the room.

"I'm not completely sure myself," he said. He came up to me and put a finger under my chin as if to have a closer look at my face. I somehow managed to look back into his eyes without flinching. Not, however, without blushing. "How about you just tell me?" he suggested.

"But how am I to know if you don't know yourself?" Of course, I had some fairly good idea of what he was talking about. I just wasn't sure how it manifested with me.

He laughed – unfazed as usual by my manner of speaking that any outsider would have considered to be impertinent – and let go of me. "I think you do," he insisted. "I noticed at once when you came out of that forest. I'm just not sure that it has actually something to do with you spending two weeks in the woods and winning a war for me."

I had never taken this talk for real that you can read it from somebody's eyes or face or bearing that they lost their virginity, but now I silently began to doubt my own judgement in the matter. Maybe what had happened had somehow changed me to a degree where it became noticeable for the people who knew me well. That short list of people... all of them knowing only fragments. The one who actually knew me most intimately just had been forced to find out that he had known nothing about me at all.

I shouldn't have been as shocked as I was at the sight of my father here, but today's events had finally brought home the reality of the _evil_ I had done to Naoe by letting him believe in – yes, what exactly? What had it meant to him at all? He'd had lovers before me, he would have them afterwards. Yes, I thought slightly bitterly, he had been anything but inexperienced. Maybe he would just shed this infatuation like a worn-out coat.

Still that didn't excuse what I had done after he had treated my with so much consideration and had held me so tenderly through my turmoil only last night.

His eyes... I bit my lips.

"Just why do you seem so unhappy?" Kenshin inquired softly. "I forgave you. You did very well," he paused, "in your own, unconventional way. Still, I must urge you not to act against my wishes again, Kagetora. Did you really believe you could keep this stunt a secret from me?"

I didn't answer.

My father continued to watch me very closely. His facial expression softened considerably. "Are you feeling bad because you deceived them?"

"Yes," I breathed, perhaps a little bit too quickly. _Yes, one of them in particular._

"If there is something you should feel uncomfortable about it's putting yourself in danger willingly," Kenshin reprimanded me. "Can you imagine what I would have gone through if something had happened to you? Or how painful it would have been for Kiheiji and Seienin?"

He was speaking about his sister's children – his nephew who was four years my junior and his niece who was a year older than me and also my future wife. No need to tell him, I decided, that I had actually thought up the plan in union with them.

"I'm sorry."

Kenshin shook his head. "Just don't do it again. As for the rest of this war, I'll think of orders that are easier for you to act upon."

"Father – "

He held up his hand. "You're obviously not made for sitting at home while the others campaign. It was my mistake not to recognize your commitment before. You did a courageous thing in coming here all by your own."

All churned up inside, I truly, deeply felt ashamed of myself. His army rejoiced at the victory, of course, but I had put my father, my lord, my supreme commander from now on by the sound of it, in a situation where he had to question his own decisions and let himself be distracted by what troubled _me_ at a time when he was preoccuppied with much more important things.

My father's thoughts had taken a different direction, though. With a frown, he looked at me. "I trust the Naoes and their men all treated you well and nobody overstepped their borders?"

"But of course," I dismissed the suggestion.

"No unwanted attention?"

I was sure I was going to blush again, but I didn't. "No unwanted attention," I said, technically not lying.

"That's good to hear. We are falling back on Echigo first thing tomorrow." He paused for a moment. "You are to accompany me when we go against Oda's western territories in about three weeks from now."

I briefly thought of the enchanted forest, of the light falling through the trees, of Naoe's tender eyes and how I would drown this memory in a sea of blood that the war we were going to would provide me with.

It wasn't as if he was ever going to look at me like this again.

The real world had me back.

-

**Author's Note: **This is the end, dear readers – almost. There's still an epilogue set in 1579.

Poor things. I felt very bad for them while writing this.

Kakizaki Kageie is, of course, Haruie's father. In 1571, Haruie probably was still with the Hōjō.

Kiheiji is the name Uesugi Kagekatsu had been given as a child.

Write me some feedback? Please? It will help me finish the epilogue and put it here all the more quickly :-)


	7. Epilogue

**Author's Note:** School is awful right now. I haven't been able to concentrate on writing this for weeks... SORRY again :-(

Hope, you still like it!

-

**Epilogue – Spring, 1579**

**Kagetora's POV**

I saw him there – and felt the last remains of my ability to be verberated flicker to life.

The mass of my brother's army surrounds the fortress like an immeasurable, shallow crawler with thousands of heads. Heads bowing, heads erupting into warring cries, heads turning at each and every command of their leaders. That was when I recognized him.

For Kagekatsu to send him of all people to end this...

A blur of fruitless reasoning clouds my mind, even after all this time. The wind carries the smell of spring these days, of fresh grass and the forest breaking free from the grip of winter, reawakening to new life. It tells of dreams and new beginnings. Only for me, the scent of the forest will eternally hold a tang of nostalgia. Years have passed, and I haven't been getting any wiser.

Thinking back now to that particular spring eight years ago, I come to realize that it was the only time in my whole life when I ever did something – however rash and irresponsible a decision it may have been – because I wanted to. Not because of some sense of duty, of honour or a diffuse feeling of having to prove myself to those who should have stood by me unconditionally.

My father wanted an alliance with the Takeda and I went to Kai.

My brother wanted peace with Kenshin and I went to Echigo.

The Uesugi wanted to be sure of me and I married Seienin.

Kenshin wanted grandchildren and I became a father.

But all this is dust now, ashes.

It's oddly fitting that the only free decision I've ever made comes back to haunt me now.

"_Do what you want sometimes,"_ Kenshin once said to me. _"It gives you the strength to do what you must the rest of the time."_

I bet sleeping with one of our retainers was not what he had in mind, though.

I am not sure tasting freedom helped me coming to terms with what I had to do, either. If anything, my life became more complicated afterwards – due to both my emotions and outward circumstances.

Still, I loved my children, especially my eldest – the one murdered by his uncle's men. Maybe Naoe was among them, I'll never know…

I loved my wife, too. We had been friends long before we became a married couple. But I found myself unable to bring myself to sleep in her embrace. That privilege had only ever been given to one person.

Not that he knew about that or that knowing would have done him much good.

We hardly ever spoke to each other after those days in the woods, but still rumours and whispers floated through Echigo and eventually had to reach my ear.

He drank, I heard, to an extent that his father started to worry. And Seienin once told me he treated his wife "badly". That was the word she used. I sat in other people's councils and fought other people's wars and pretended that what I heard didn't have anything to do with me.

No one who knew me during the day could have guessed at the nights when I found myself lying awake in my room all by myself, nobody's arms wrapped around me but my own. It was then that a quiet and painful yearning surged through me which wasn't to leave me for many years. It hasn't completely left me now, either, in spite of all that happened and although I will never know and can never be sure whether he wasn't the one to slaughter my child…

Maybe that, too, is my fault. Maybe he wouldn't be here now, preparing the final attack on Samegao-jo, if it hadn't been for our forest nights…

No. I'm being unreasonable now. He was born a Nagao, after all. Like Kagekatsu.

There is an irony to this constellation that Naoe is probably not aware of. Or at least I can't imagine the subject actually arose between them.

Because even though what happened in the enchanted forest all those years ago had to stay a secret at all costs, I _did_ tell somebody.

That somebody was Nagao Kiheiji who was to become Uesugi Kagekatsu and my step-brother later on.

Like Kenshin, Kiheiji was able to detect that something was wrong when I came back to Echigo. I guess, I seemed nervous.

In restrospect, I don't know what made me so jumpy. Even though I know first hand that I've been the object of speculation among our men more than once, it wasn't very likely that – even in a drunken fit – Naoe would have burst out _Yes, I had him. Yes, he wanted it. _

I was weary, too. Plagued by all kinds of regrets. I simply hadn't the strength to carry another secret with me. I _wanted_ to tell someone.

Trust my brother to file this knowledge away and put it to good use later on.

And now he sent him after me.

I saw him there.

How he must hate me. If things were the other way around, I'd be most reluctant to participate in any war against him for fear of his vengeful spirit comeing to haunt me. But would that be so much different from now, I wonder.

In spite of having my back pressed against the wall, in spite of this being the last spring I'll ever witness, in spite of how everything that happened between us was doomed from the start, I am overcome by an eery feeling.

As if I hadn't seen anything yet.

As if the ending were open.

-

**Author's Note:** Many thanks to all of you who've encouraged me to finish this by sending PMs and reviews!!

What do you think – should I write another one? Would you read it? ;-)

Also of interest to me: did I do right with the two last sentences? Is this the right tense? (not a native speaker...)


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